I was planning to write about another wedding craft project today but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I got through three sentences and realized there was something very important I'd have to cover first. And that's being NICE. My mother has a sign behind her desk at work. It says "Because Nice Matters". My fabulous, dedicated, social worker mother has this sign in the least ironic way possible. In her line of work, nice does actually matter and does actually count for something. Nice makes a difference in people's lives. But this is not the kind of "nice" I'm talking about (I wish I was!). This kind of "nice" is not a way of behaving, it's a way of being. Soon into our wedding planning process it became very, very clear that a wedding - ours, yours, your sister-in-law's neighbor's - must, above all things, be NICE.
What is nice? Nice is different to everyone. To some people "nice" is Wedding Package #4 at a hotel ballroom on Long Island, to others it's a shoeless beach wedding in Mexico, or a gondola ride to the top of Breckenridge in February. But regardless of what "nice" is, it is very, very important. For us, understanding everyone's "nice" proved a bit of a challenge. From the beginning, Rich and I could see our wedding in our heads. And - thank heaven! - we were in near complete agreement on that image. But it seemed like we had to do a lot of justifying and explaining to everyone else. "Yes, the Inn is beautiful." "Yes, people will be able to get to Vermont." "Yes, we have a plan for the ceremony if it rains." "Yes, the tent will have lights." "No, the caterer won't serve hot dogs." We knew we were doing things differently than most of our family and many of our friends. We were doing almost everything ourselves and some of our decisions were hard for people to understand. Yes, we would have chalkboards but they'd be pretty chalkboards. Yes, there would be burlap but it would be hemmed and have lace detail. Yes, the reception would be in a tent (with nothing but the ground of grass and dirt for the floor!) but there would be a proper wooden dance floor, linens on the tables, and candles.
And with every explanation and justification, it felt like no one trusted us. We were living with a constant frustration of knowing we would live up to "nice" but had no ability to assure people. It was unnerving. I should have let it roll off my back but instead I was left trying to figure out how I could convince people. Left worried that people thought I had bad taste ("If they think I have good taste then they should KNOW it will be nice!!!") It was hard to think that for our families this was a way of contributing. This was a way of them helping to have our back. What we heard as criticism they said as protection. So, while I didn't need a wedding planner to pull off "Nice!" I could have used a wedding translator to know what people were really saying and do better job at hearing their intention, rather than their words. And while I still feel anxious thinking about those stressful conversations, I am calmed believing that I think everyone there would agree we had a very NICE wedding.
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