We learned a few lessons with this one. I have a big Irish Catholic family on my mother's side and a small Jewish family on my father's side. My fiance (now husband), Rich, has a tiny family - his parents would be the only relatives invited. So, we knew we were going to have a numbers challenge. Rich was fully aware our "sides" would not be even. And I was determined to do my best to tighten up my side. So, I called my mother. "Mom," I explained, "Rich's family is small and we have to respect that, which means no church ladies for you". My mother, liberal New York City gal that she is, is also a dedicated Catholic who has missed Sunday mass probably a handful of days in her adult life. I say her adult life because I think it was even fewer days during her childhood, given my grandfather's storied insistence upon leaving for church early enough to have time to change a flat tire. Church was not to be messed with. Therefore, she is enmeshed in our church in Manhattan and has a strong crew of church lady friends. And I nixed them. No discussion, no questions, no exceptions. An across the board cut.
This was my first mistake. It was not that they didn't come. In the long run, my mother was completely understanding and agreeable. They came to our NYC engagement party and it was lovely to celebrate with them. The problem was the lack of discussion. I did not make her part of the process. And I should have. Making our parents feel a part of it all, it turned out, was a HUGE issue throughout our wedding planning process and a lesson we really learned way too late. Rich and I were 33 and 31 when we got engaged. We were grown-ups. Grown-ups who wanted to spare our parents the painful, headache-inducing details of our planning. But, as it turns out, sparing our parents ended up hurting our parents. They wanted to be involved. They wanted to feel helpful.
And so, this leads me to my first lesson worth passing on - figure out early how much your parents want to be involved and try to honor that. You don't need to do what they want - if you hate pink, don't agree to blush and bashful as your wedding colors just because your mother-in-law's favorite movie is Steel Magnolias - but make them part of the conversation. Guide them to understanding the decisions you will ultimately make regardless. In the end, our guest list worked out. Rich invited his small immediate family, I invited my massive extended family and my mom and I did our best to restrain our list of friends so our side didn't completely overwhelm theirs. As an added bonus, this led me to my first craft project - a great sign which instructed people to avoid the tradition of sitting on a "bride's side" or "groom's side".
More to come on that tomorrow!
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